Author: Jeremy Teeuwsen

Is this your child?

Actual note from the my son’s teacher circa 1987:


Thank you for informing me of the situation concerning your yard ape.

We were all just sitting around in the teacher’s lounge yesterday wondering what kind of Neanderthal moron could have raised such a delinquent. It’s nice to hear from you.

It is not so much that he drools on the other students as that he is a bit rebellious toward the teacher’s authority. When we asked him how he got the pipe bomb, he explained that you showed him how to design and build one.

While engineering and demolition are fine career choices, we have all voted that we should ask you to refrain from teaching him about other lethal devices.

We are glad he uses his gray matter; we are just hoping not to see his or the other children’s one day after recess.

We are sure you think you are a good parent, but then, Mister and Mrs. Hitler thought their boy was a prospective artist.

We are writing this note to you to inform you of a parent/teacher conference scheduled for tomorrow night at 7 PM. We do wish you would come. We have invited the Department of Social Services, Two staff psychologists, the FBI and the dart tranquilizer guy from the local zoo to meet with us.

We are glad we were able to get your attention off the Land of Doom Video game and look forward to our time together to plan a path of excellence or prison life for your son.

Ms. Dweebstein – 7th grade

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